The Perfect Gift

   I’m not gonna lie: I like getting holiday gift catalogs in the mail this time of year. I like letting a stack of ‘em build up during the week and then, on a Saturday or a Sunday afternoon, when it’s cold and windy and grey outside, I like cozying up on the couch and perusing them.
 
   Once in a while, I’ll actually see something I like, either for myself or as a gift idea, and I’ll dog-ear the page. But such cases are pretty rare. Most of the time, I’m just in it for a laugh.

   I get a big kick out of seeing enormous cheese logs and over-stuffed cookie baskets and useless gadgets of all sorts and models looking oh-so-serious while wearing skinny jeans. It amazes and delights me to know that so many people all around the world are so busy, busy, busy – making things, buying things, selling things. It matters not that most of the catalog offerings do not appeal to me. I know I’m a corner case.
 
   My wife looks at the exact same catalogs that I do, but sees things differently. While I can float around happily in mid-ocean looking at all the goodies with some measure of detachment, my wife can get involved. For one thing, she genuinely likes more of it than I do. She can see value in a nice-looking jacket with front buttons done a certain way. That’s the shallow part of the ocean, the part where you can get gutted on a coral reef if you don’t watch out. She's aware of this, and she navigates accordingly. But my wife is equally sensitive to the ocean depths as well. While page-turning last week, I heard her say to herself, “This is why the Chinese hate us.” She was visualizing and feeling the dire straits of human beings working as wage slaves in some miserable factory over in China, turning out Home-Sweet-Home signs on wooden planks and collectible hummingbird figurines and little piles of guaranteed-to-fool-your-friends fake rubber dog turds.
 
   She’s probably right. This is probably why the Chinese hate us. Although, I think there are some other reasons as well.
 
   As far as holiday catalog seasons go, this has been a banner year so far. In addition to all the usual wonders – which will get some attention below – I’m getting a real bang out of seeing Corporate America scrambling around, clumsily trying to present itself as "woke." Many of the catalogs are now including gay couples with kids, plus-sized female models, people of all different colors, and so on. You've got to hand it to 'em. They're trying their damnedest. But it's super easy to spot the awkward handiwork. I keep calling my wife over and saying, “Check this out!” It's as if it's all being handled strategically, in post-production, instead of being embraced organically. "Just got a memo from Corporate. They say we need at least one LGBTQQIP2SAA image per section in the B-2 Winter edition, the one with the snow-globe on the cover. Tell Midge in Marketing to get on it, ASAP. First ask her if she knows what the hell LGBTQQIP2SAA means. Then tell her to get on it. We've got to fix this before it goes to the printer."
 
   It may well be that there are some sincere, good intentions behind this work. But here's the thing: I smell a rat.

   It feels to me like the corporate types are trying to pull the old my-best-friend-is-black ploy. And I find it patronizing. I guess it's just that I don't trust corporate motives on some basic, instinctual level. I suspect they're up to something. And that something has to do with turning a profit. So even though they're stepping up to reinvent themselves with a considerably expanded color / size / sexual-orientation palette, I'm just gonna go ahead and call bullshit. 

   Here's one small clue that I'll respectfully submit as Exhibit A: Even with all this newborn woke-ness swirling about, I'm still only seeing a bunch of handsome and/or pretty faces of carefully vetted models looking back at me from catalog pages – men with chiseled jawlines; women with angelic smiles. If presenting visual diversity is such the hot ticket these days, then why am I not seeing anyone with any of the physical features that I see in the real world every single day? There are no raging acne cases or glass eyes pointing the wrong way or wicked scars on cheeks. There are no Joe Ordinary's or Jane Doe's. There are no balding dudes or guys with big, protruding guts. There are no amputees. There are no mullets or mohawks or skunk jobs. There are no little people. There are no women who look like they've single-handedly been keeping Marlboro in business for the last decade and a half. There are no sad eyes or sarcastic smiles. There are no people who you can tell are lonely just by the way they carry themselves.

   Maybe Corporate America will belly up to the bar one of these days, and we'll start seeing a little more truth in advertising. Then again, maybe not. Maybe that level of woke-ness would be taking it too far. Maybe Midge in Marketing has determined that it wouldn't be so good for sales.

   All that aside, I thought I’d share some of my fun catalog finds from the holiday season thus far. Alongside, I’m including what my Little Voice would like to say about each one. My Little Voice is demanding that I do so. (Just so you know: I don’t listen to everything my Little Voice tells me to do. I have enough sense to recognize that most of that would be wrong.) Enjoy!

Fan-tastic

   Now that we’ve all become accustomed to seeing people walking around town wearing face masks, wouldn’t it be nice if there was some new kind of wearable? Something that people could slip on easily to let everyone know exactly what kind of person they are? This might be the ticket! Wear this and you’ll be delivering a powerful message to everyone around you. Namely: You are not in the business of being uncomfortable. Ever. Bonus feature: The reverse setting is great for pushing those nasty covid spores away from your face.

Put up your Dukes

   Since our “legal tender” money has already jumped the shark, why not go whole hog and get yourself some of this John Wayne money? Each $2 costs only $20, so you’ll be keeping ahead of inflation if you pounce on this investment today. In addition: There are people out there who have determined that most of the U.S. Presidents that we learned about in history class were racists, especially guys like Jefferson. But there's simply no questioning John Wayne, no siree Bob. So by using money with the Duke's face stamped on it, it’ll pretty much prove to everyone that you don't have a racist bone in your body. Step aside, T.J. – there's a new sheriff in town. Can you imagine buying a weed eater at Home Depot and whipping out a wad of these bad boys to pay for it? Noble. Heroic.

Take a Deep Breath

   Nerd alert: Nitrogen makes up about 78% of the air that we breathe. Oxygen makes up about 21%. A single nitrogen (N2) molecule measures approximately 300 picometers across. A single oxygen (O2) molecule measures approximately 292 picometers across. That means that this magic machine, according to its description, has the ability to filter down to 8 picometers. Being as how one picometer is equal to one trillionth of a meter (1 m / 1,000,000,000,000), what we’re dealing with here is, hands down, the best filter that's ever been invented! And it’s only $400. I’m totally getting one and re-selling it for a zillion dollars to NASA. And then I’m using my zillion bucks to buy up the world's supply of John Wayne money (see above). Boom.

The Right Tool for the Job

   Sometimes my Little Voice doesn’t speak to me. Instead it just laughs like Beavis and Butt-Head. “Crevice Cleaning Tool.”  Heh heh. “Remove all sorts of debris...without bending over.” Heh heh. “Heavy-duty shaft.”  Hee heh heh.

Tweet

   If being outdoors and connecting with the Earth is not your cup of tea, then here’s the perfect solution. You can have fake birds chirping at you for two minutes straight each and every time you dare to move near this handy little gadget. I think it would be kind of fun to test the motion sensor on this thing with some of my ultra-slo-mo moves. If the birds start chirping? ... Do-over! The idea of sticking one in the bathroom is pure genius. Although... How did they know that the bathroom is my secret Time Out place? One thing: Before I take the plunge, I'd really like to know what types of birds will be sounding off at me. There’s a huge relaxation-level difference between, say, the call of a tufted titmouse and a friggin' hawk.

Here Buddy. Here Buddy. Who’s a Good Boy?

   Buddy hates nail clipping day. You know it. He knows it. So why not bring in some new tech to make life a little easier? Turn on this high-speed rotary grinder, bring it right up into Buddy’s personal space, grab hold of his good-boy-paw-paw and see how he responds. It’s sure to be a game changer. Soon the sound of any electric motor in your house – your electric shaver, the can opener, you name it – is bound to trigger a Pavlovian response, opening up new and meaningful communication pathways between you and Buddy.

Pool Shark

   Calling all serious pool party people! Remember back in June when you got loaded and barfed up those chili dogs in Brian’s swimming pool? You were so scared that he was going to black ball you, but then the very next weekend you were right back over there, drinkin’ and splashin’ and having a righteous time, just like it never happened. The Bro Code is the best. Just wait until summer rolls around this year and you show up to Brian’s first pool party with one of these! You’ll be the goddam Pool King, chasing down hotties, cruising over to the cooler for another cold one, basically doing Whatever You Want. If anybody challenges your throne, heck, just crank ‘er on up to ramming speed and show ‘em who’s boss.

Let's Get Weird

   Do you know anyone who’s always laying heavy expectations on you to remember to put the Christ into your Christmas gifts? It can be a real pain in the ass. You’ve done your best to do right by them over the years with nicey-nice gifts from the Bible Store at the mall, but you’ve finally come to an important conclusion: This person is fundamentally miserable, and there’s nothing you can really do about it. So this year, why not have a little fun? Give ‘em a gift that’s just as blasphemous as it is religious. Just imagine the internal conflict they’ll experience when they open up your lovingly wrapped gift and take a gander at one of these precision-crafted oddities, all nestled in its little bed of manger straw. It's sure to inspire a forced smile and feigned gratitude. They can't not like a nativity scene! The cat version is particularly deranged – The big cats all look like they're getting ready to take a swipe at Kitten Jesus.

Well, I have to say: This has been a real hoot. But it’s Sunday. It’s back to catalog cruising for me. Lots more to cover.
 
Happy holidays!
 
– O.M. Kelsey